A Perfect Picture

Picking up where I left off last night...

Yes, the kids were so sweet and well behaved that they got three books instead of two... they chose "Pinkalicious", a really loooong book about sharks, and Mason's new favorite: "Who Loves Baby?" which isn't actually a storybook- it's a small vinyl book that holds about 7 pictures of family & friends holding Sofia when she was a newborn. Why, you might ask, is this Mason's new favorite when it's all about Sofia? Well, after several instances where Mason picked out that book and then cried because there were no pictures of him, Sofia and I have finally resorted to pretending it's Mason in all those pictures. Newborns all look pretty much the same anyway. I have to admit- by the shark book, my mind was already wandering into thoughts of dirty dishes, laundry, and remembering to set the alarm. Many pages of the shark book were skipped (they didn't seem to notice) and by the time I tucked them in, I only offered one song and breathed a sigh of relief when they chose a song I knew I could easily omit a couple verses without them catching on.

I know. That is so NOT mindful parenting. But since we're on this kick of curbing our judgmental tendencies, I'll just move forward...

Mindful parenting is nothing new. In fact, this mindful parenting "movement" is most likely a throwback to the days of long ago, before the invention of all these "mommy distracters" like tivo, the gym, washing machines, jobs, blogging... the days when children accompanied their moms in all daily functions of their lives, and moms & children learned to coexist and be together. The practice of mindfulness is often described as "living in the present moment" and training your mind to let go of thoughts of the past, worries about the future, all of those thoughts that prevent us from actually experiencing our present experiences. Mindfulness is a key concept of meditation and prayer, but it goes beyond that and is something that can be practiced and mastered within the context of our daily lives- while standing in line in the grocery store, while driving through rush hour traffic, and even while preparing the kids for bed when you know you have a busy day ahead of you.

Applying mindfulness to parenting, it's really very simple. Yet very difficult. You see, I personally find "simple" concepts to be quite complex. We are trained within our achievement-oriented culture to be efficient multi-taskers. We can get a lot accomplished simultaneously if we overload our minds with constant mental reminders and planning and, of course, the act of doing. But in the midst of all this chaos, where is the simple act of experiencing an isolated moment without the interference of all that mind clutter? For example, when my daughter sits down to color and asks me to help her color the "perfect picture", my automatic response is to pull out a few crayons, color the main object, get up to throw a load of laundry in the dryer, go back and color in a few more objects, open the fridge and make a mental note of groceries we need, and when my daughter says, "Mom, I thought we were gonna color together", I respond with, "We are! See? We're already halfway finished!" The mindful approach to coloring with my daughter, on the contrary, would require me to let all that other crap go, even for ten minutes. I would allow myself to sit down next to my daughter, thoughtfully select which colors I am to use, share in the experience of the colors she is using, and have apparently meaningless conversation with her. Which, in the end, would turn out to be the most meaningful part of the day.

I have said this to numerous clients in therapy and often have to remind myself of this: "Very few mothers have the opportunity to spend as much time with their children as they would like. We have very little control over the quantity of time we spend, but have infinite control over the quality of time we spend with our children." But we have to make that a priority and make a mindful effort in our interactions with them. At the end of the day, our children know the difference. They might have spent an entire Saturday with us, running errands and cleaning house, tying up loose ends and worrying about what was left unfinished at work. Compare that to even just one hour at the end of the day, coloring together or reading every page of the book. Simple, honest being together. Now that's a perfect picture.