In The Eye Of The Beholder

Some children are simply doomed from the second they emerge into this world. Children named Jesus or Angel, for example, are more likely to engage in criminal activities when they get older. I don't base this statement on any hard facts or research- I've just heard that prisons are filled with men who possess those names (along with "I Love Mom" tattoos on their arms). Another indicator of doom is the parent's profession. Pastors' kids are stereotyped as "bad kids". Police officers' kids too. Doctors' children are accident-prone. Accountants' children grow up to file bankruptcy. I'm sure by now you realize that I'm just making this up as I go.

But what does this mean for the child of a therapist?

I sometimes catch myself "analyzing" my children or worrying about how my own parental responses will affect their psyche. When my daughter throws a fit and I ignore it, I later worry that I am creating an invalidating environment by minimizing her most intense emotions (because it really is the worst thing in the world to have to drink out of the red cup when all you wanted more than anything was to drink out of the pink cup). Invalidating environment + emotional dysregulation = potential borderline personality disorder! Or when I give in to my son's insistence that he MUST wear his "Hulk" shirt which is two sizes too small (which perhaps fulfills its purpose of making him feel like a big bulky hulk), I worry that I'm being an overindulgent parent which will surely lead to his development of conduct disorder!

Today my 6-year-old daughter drew this picture:

When I see this picture, I see a young girl (Sofia) with an exaggerated body image- way too developed for her age- with claws for fingers and a startled look on her face. I see a mischievous little boy (Mason) with a furrowed brow and no hands- no sense of personal power. And what is that he's holding?? You may not be able to see, but it looks like a bag with "Sx" written on it. "Sx" is an abbreviation for "symptoms"! My son is carrying around a bunch of symptoms? Notice the gun-shaped cloud in the sky- to the left of that cloud is another cloud with a weird-looking face... almost like someone or something is watching the little girl. Paranoia?

And then I saw this taped to our front window:

A list of house rules, apparently:

#1. "Do not toke." I'm ok with this, as there will be no "toking" in our home. I think she meant "talk", though.

#2. "No running."

#3. "No crying."

"Thake (Thank) you."

And then a heart with two smiling children saying, "Be Happy".

And a crossed out broken heart.

What have I done?? Have I stifled my children's freedom to express themselves- to talk freely and openly- to express their emotions? Does my daughter feel like she's supposed to wear a mask of happiness and deny herself the experience of a broken heart? Will she become one of those teenagers who draws the "Smile Now, Cry Later" drawings all over her notebook??

Realizing that I may be going too far with this, I decided to simply ask my daughter to show her drawings to me.

"These are the rules for the theatre play," she said. "No talking or running inside. Try not to cry, because the ending will be happy." She then went on to describe the "poster" for the "theatre play": "This is me- I'm the princess with the little kitten. Mason is going to play the part of the Creepy Crawler who steals the money Grandma gave to me... See the cents in his bag?"

Rather than giving the ending away, she then sits me down on the couch to watch the live "theatre play". The ending is happy after all. The Creepy Crawler sees the kitten- his heart is softened and he gives the stolen money back to the princess.

So my children are not experiencing deep-seated trauma after all. Phew.

Any one wanna tackle the analysis of this next one? I think I see the Creepy Crawler striking again...